Explaining Death to Young Children

                                        EXPLAINING DEATH TO YOUNG CHILDREN

By Elyse Greenwald, LCPC

Recently the father of a 4-year old child I was seeing in counseling died in an accident. His mother asked me, “How do I tell him that his father died, and that he would never see him again.” Probably one of the most difficult conversations you’ll even have with your children is trying to explain to them the death of a loved one - especially if you are grieving yourself. The death of a loved-one is an opportunity to explain to a child that death happens to all living creatures, is irreversible, and has a cause. It is important to be truthful and reassure your child that it wasn’t their fault. The following are just some suggested guidelines to help you talk to your child about death:  

·        It is important to be truthful and concrete. Children understand their world through the five senses. You can say, “When you die, your body stops working.” If the person who died was ill, you can say, “ Grandpa had a special kind of illness called cancer. Everyone did all they could to try and make grandpa better but couldn’t. So his body stopped working. You won’t see him moving or talking anymore.” If a child wants to know how someone died, you can say, “Grandma’s heart stopped beating, and the doctors tried to make her better but couldn’t.” Or if their pet was old, you can say “Ginger’s body just wore out.” 

·        Using the right language is essential.  Phrases such as “pop-pop went to sleep” can confuse or even frighten a child. It’s important to differentiate between death and going to sleep.  Explain to your child that when you go to sleep you are still breathing, your body is warm, your heart is beating and you can move your limbs, you can dream.  Telling a child that someone who is dead cannot do any of these things or feel pain may be reassuring to them.  Often children believe that dead people or pets are hurt or frightened.

·        Be prepared for what may seem to be unexpected or callous reactions from your child.  A 6-year girl when told her by her mother that her father had died, responded, after hugging her mother, “Can I get my ears pierced?”  Children, like adults, feel similar emotions – shock, anger, loss, grief, sadness- when they experience bereavement.  But children cannot hold onto a feeling for very long, simply because they cannot bear to. Have you ever watched a child playing and screaming with joy or crying and screaming as if in pain.  Once they’ve had enough, it’s enough! 

·         Read books to your children about the loss of a person or pet.  Some suggested titles are: Water Bugs andDragonflies: Explaining Death to Young Children by, Ann Anderson; Sad Isn’t Bad: A Good Grief Guidebook for Kids Dealing with Loss, by Michalene Munday; Goodbye Mousie by Robie Harris.

·        Help your child grieve.  Give your child lots of hugs to help them feel comforted. Maintain a normal routine to provide a feeling of safety.   Let your child talk about their loss whenever they feel the need to do so. Share with your child photos or films or personal effects of the person or pet. It’s OK to let your child see your sadness, but be mindful of extreme reactions that may frighten them.  Inform your child’s nursery, school or daycare of the loss.  Expect some acting out behavior, difficulty sleeping, and separation anxiety.

While death itself is sad, discussing it with your child doesn’t have to be a traumatic experience. In fact, if it is done well, it can significantly reduce some of the fear and confusion your child will likely experience. But it can also provide an opportunity to explain how a loved one can live on in our hearts and our memories.