Love Languages

Love Languages

by

Denise Meads, LCSW-C

People fall in love and get married.  In the beginning of a relationship there is usually not a lot of stress that cause the couple to work at the relationship.  The relationship is new and exciting, it is the honeymoon period.  People get married with a mistaken belief that it doesn’t take work to have a good marriage, but as the old saying goes, “Anything worth having takes work”, is true.  Frequently you will hear a friend say, “We don’t have anything in common” or “We grew apart”, as reasons for the end of their marriage.  It doesn’t have to be this way if both partners are willing to work.  One way to help your marriage is to know your partner’s love language.  Dr. Gary Chapman explains this concept of how people define expressed love in his book, The Five Love Languages.  We all have a primary and usually a secondary love language.  Your love language and your spouse’s love language may be very different.  We have to be willing to learn our spouse’s love language if we want to communicate love to them.

There are five basic love languages.  They are as follows:

1. Words of Affirmation.  These are simply sincere compliments and words of appreciation.   We all enjoy words of encouragement.  They can be as simple as “Thanks for arranging for a babysitter tonight.” or “I appreciate you taking the garbage out.”  Words of affirmation also include the way we speak or the tone in our voice when we speak.  Sometimes a person has an unused potential in their life which may only need some encouraging words from their spouse to five them the courage they need to accomplish their goal.

2. Quality Time.  Quality time means giving each other undivided attention.  That does not mean being in the same room while he watches a basketball game and she reads a book.  It means togetherness.  You give your undivided attention.  It’s not staring at each other’s eyes, but giving full attention.  A husband and wife playing golf together is genuine quality time.  The activity is not the focus but the emotions created between the couple are the important thing.

3. Receiving Gifts.  The third love language is receiving gifts.  Gifts are visual signs of love.  Wedding ceremonies include the giving and receiving of rings.  The person whose language is receiving gifts is moved emotionally by gifts that you give and they see the gifts as expressions of love.  This concept may be difficult for some who are “savers”.  But when “savers” are saving money they are purchasing for themselves emotional security and self worth, caring for themselves.  It would be an investment in the marriage for the “saver” if gift giving was a way of expressing love too.  Gifts do not need to be expensive; many mothers love and appreciate the picked dandelions their children bring home from the front yard.  Gifts have everything to do with love.

4. Acts of Service.  The fourth love language is acts of service.  This language is doing things that your loved one wants you to do.  An example of this love is changing the baby’s diaper, washing the dishes, painting a bedroom, or washing the car.  All these acts take time, effort and energy.  There are no stereotypes in expressing acts of service.  Husbands and wives roles in our society have changed and we need to be flexible in our willingness to act.  These acts can really improve the emotional level in one’s marriage.

5. Physical Touch.  Physical touch is the fifth and final love language.  It is probably no surprise that physical touch is a way of showing emotional love.  Babies held, hugged and kissed develop a healthier life.  Spouses feel secure in their love when their partner is responsive sexually.  Sexual intercourse is only one aspect of this love language.  Touching your spouse as you walk through a room they are sitting in communicates love.  Daily hugs or brief goodbye kisses communicates volumes.  Holding hands and giving back rubs, all of these love touches are important to someone who’s language of love is physical.

Love is a choice.  Love can be reborn in a marriage if you choose to speak in your spouse’s love language.  Learn your spouse’s language and enjoy a more satisfying relationship.