Stages In the Life Cycle of a Marriage

Stages In the Life Cycle of a Marriage

by

Cindy Voelz, Ph.D.

Boy meets girl.  They fall in love and get married.  Children come along and everyone lives happily ever after.  So the fairy tale goes.  In real life however, these different stages of a marriage are filled with developmental tasks which need to be mastered in order to get to the happily ever after part!  Sadly, failure to achieve these developmental tasks, often contribute to divorce or being married “unhappily ever after”.  What are the stages of a marriage and the developmental tasks which accompany them?  They are listed below. 

Decision to Marry Stage

In this stage of marriage, the primary developmental task is to separate from one’s family of origin and form a couple, without totally excluding the families of origin.  Individuals need to decide what they wish to take with them from their family of origin and what they choose to leave behind.  Often this is a very happy stage of life as romance is high and life moving forward typically looks positive.  Difficulties can emerge however, if boundaries are not clearly set between the new couple and their families of origin, making it difficult for the new couple to bond and learn to work together.

Newly Married Stage

The honeymoon ends quickly for many couples when faced with the developmental task of renegotiating all kinds of personal issues with the new spouse.  This stage tends to be one big power struggle between the couple over multiple issues including time, money, space, problem-solving, and each other’s notion of how things “should” be.  No wonder that the divorce rate is highest for couple married three years or less!  Learning good conflict resolution skills is critical for happiness in marriage at this stage.

Married with Young Children

While having children is often seen as a high point in a couples’ life together, it also places multiple demands on the couple.  Couples face less time for their relationship and at the same time they face more demands of their time from the children and also more demands for financial resources.  Oftentimes when the children are very young, men feel left out and ignored by their wives.  Wives often feel overwhelmed by the demands on their time.  The sex life tends to suffer and marital satisfaction rates tend to decrease in this stage of marriage.  The divorce rate shows the second highest peak at about seven years of marriage.  Making time for just the couple during this stage can go a long way in restoring marital happiness.  Get a babysitter and go out!

Midlife Marriage

In this stage of marriage both husbands and wives have the developmental task of evaluating their achievements and dealing with disappointments while revising their dreams and expectation.  Hence, the midlife crisis begins.  This is a stage of much change in family life.  Adolescents in the family are starting their move out of the family at the same time elderly parents may require more assistance.  Oftentimes couples in this stage feel out of sync with each other while they are revising their dreams and expectations. 

Empty Nest

The developmental task in the empty nest stage is to form a mature adult relationship with just two.  Couples at this stage typically have their health and often have more financial resources with which to enjoy their time together.  Couples who have successfully maintained a loving connection to each other during the previous stages often find themselves on a second honeymoon where they really enjoy each other and the life they have built together.  There is however an increase in marriage breakups during this stage for couples who have not been able to maintain their connection to each other over the years. 

Later Life Marriage

In this stage of marriage the developmental task has to do with maintaining and building the couple relationship in face of some major changes in life.  The two changes requiring good coping strategies include retirement and the decline in health.  Keeping the marriage happy often involves adaptation to these changing life situations. 

Understanding the different stages in the life cycle of a marriage goes a long way towards developing realistic expectations for married life as well as providing clues for making marriage work at each stage.